Stop crying on my dick..TUMBLR

10 Dec
So. His sister snapped a picture of me. And I am looking at him like this. love love love love love what a wonderful thing. Amen.

So. His sister snapped a picture of me. And I am looking at him like this. love love love love love what a wonderful thing. Amen.

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26 Nov

Some things.

Some things are not even worth fighting over. Some things, we fight about, without even realizing WHY. Some things need time, even if you don’t want to give it. And some things completely take over your actions & emotions, regardless of how badly you don’t want them to.

And some friends are not worth losing over these things. It’s really interesting how we cope with different situations, and how sometimes, when everything seems all dark and shitty, it only takes a bit of self control and patience to lift oneself out of said slump, and go on with life a better, stronger person…….

So its a rainy, dark pre-Thanksgiving. Anyone who has any holiday blues is surely being even more so pushed down. But cheer up. Do not take for granted the gifts you are blessed with in this life! Yesterday I got to rendezvous at Paulette’s place, and just hanging out with her & her mom (i know, I know) actually brightened my day quite a bit. Thanks for having me over! (Even though we didn’t vid). I was feeling a little down, missing my mother and sister because Thanksgiving really was always very important to us, and now we haven’t seen eachother together in almost 3 years… And the fact of the matter is, we probably will never again share a Thanksgiving, or any holiday…. This isn’t pessimism, it’s reality. But just being in P’s house and sitting down for a dinner, EVEN with the bickering, made me really happy. You’d think it would make me sad for missing my own family, but it didn’t. I think just remembering how it feels, to be mad at your mom or irritated, or to get reprimanded, the things we all hate about our parents, even those things I miss. And I really don’t get to be around it. So I’m not saying anger towards parents isn’t validated, but I guarantee you that all the things you can’t stand, the things that drive you crazy.. When your parent is gone, even those things are missed.. The only reason we all hate on our parents so much is because we love them, alot. But they are annoying!

Anyways. I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving, regardless of who you are with. Hell, I’m eating with my Ex-Stepmom-Turned-Dad’s Girlfriend-Again, and HER family.. Not quite feeling my own blood there but you know what, it doesnt matter. I do love them, and they love me, and really as long as that’s the case, I don’t care who I eat Thanksgiving dinner with, when it comes down to it, the love you hold for your family is ALWAYS in your heart.. If you are down & out because your family is not together, it means you have a family WORTH being down & out for. Yadigg? So eat a lot of food, get drunk if you can, and stay as warm and cozy as possible. And if you don’t see the people you want to in front of your face, give a little thanks that there are people in your life you care so much about that NOT having them around almost ruins a holiday.



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25 Nov

I said, No.


[fam-uh-lee, fam-lee]
noun, plural -lies

1. Parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not.

You see, I believe that Thanksgiving (among other given holidays) should be spent with family. However when one’s family grows apart and begins to make their own families, things change. I think it’s unfair that I haven’t had a Thanksgiving with my entire family (both parents, and three siblings) for over 8 years. Granted that my parents divorced and that changed things, but it’s unfair for a child to have to experience split holidays. To have to decide which family member she’ll spend the actual holiday with and which family member she’ll have to feign a celebration alongside. I don’t want to choose which sibling I get to see on Thanksgiving or which parent i’ll get to sit with at the dinner table. I don’t want to choose. I would rather not see any one family member seperated from the rest than choose which one I will celebrate with.

Then again, maybe it isn’t really about my family. I have sort of grown to think that I truly do believe in fairy tales / “the right way” of things so much that I have lost sight of what really goes on. I think I just want to spend my holiday with a family. A complete family. I miss the feeling of having everyone there and knowing that everyone is there. I know this may come off as weird by saying aloud that I would rather not see my family at all on this holiday and instead be with another family that is complete - but if you think about it, no matter where I decide to go I will be incomplete. If I choose to go to my sister-in-laws family, I will be the only one of my own family along with my brother and that will not be complete. If I choose to go to my brother’s gf’s family, it will only be my mother and I, and that is three people short of complete. If I choose to go to my aunts, it will be myself from my direct family, and no more. If I choose to go with my sister to another aunt’s, we will be missing our parents and our brothers. If I choose to be with my boyfriend and his loving family, I will feel more than welcomed and gracious, but a tad sad that that can never be my family, my family can never all be there.

I envy so much all of my friends who’s families are still together. I envy children who’s parents go to sleep in the same bed still, who’s siblings tell each other goodnight and that they love them, who’s dinner table still gets frequent use whether it be for a class project or a huge meal. And I want so much to be apart of that, but unfortunately, my family has grown apart. I never thought that I would be so sad during the one holiday that I love more than the rest. But i’ll get through, like every year, I always do.


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20 Nov

Bad days.

I gave the lady’s bagel to the wrong customer. She proceeds to be the MEANEST lady on the face of the earth. Just like. Point blank mean. And we all know I can handle mean/rude by the trillions, but she was something else. Ruined the rest of my day literally, I was miserable at lunch, miserable when I got off and caulled Steph, miserable up until I met my boyfriend, then proceeded to be miserable after he dropped me home.

(next topic) why is it that you can stay strong when being frustrated in public in front of strangers (ie: not losing it w/bagel lady) and not break down when sincerely fluestered and bothered, BUT the second you become flustered with family your tongue swells up like an allergic reaction and tears stream unintentionally. I HATE THAT SHIT. I hate the fact that outside of my family I am very outspoken among my friends and say whatever I like, whenever I like, and i am heard. Because in my family, i simply am not. My family (excluding my eldest brother, who I am truly most like in many many ways)-my family believes in cutting people off mid-sentence, raising their voice to inappropriate inside levels, and continuing to do so until they are the last word. What good does that do anyone? It frustrates me, for one. Second, when I’M being the one asked a question, why must someone else answer for me? AND get louder than me when i try to answer? It’s really really frustrating.

I made a deal with my friend, Lightskin, and the deal is that we are to have certain rules if we are going to have a friendship. They are as follows:

1) No apologizing for calling other females “bitches” in front of me, I simply don’t care. That goes for not apologizing for calling him an asshole if he so rightfully deserves it.

2) I get to cry every three weeks and he gets to cry once a year. *This excludes family issues and deaths. **one must inform the other when someone has had “a moment” and the reasons for it.

3)*something else that made sense that is not coming to mind…

Well the point of these rules are thus: Lightskin is literally me, but with a penis. We think the same about relationships, letting out feelings, letting out anger, dealing with girls (big problem), dealing w/school, etc. Same freakin’ ideas. It’s great actually cause it’s like i’m talking to myself about my problems, and the answers are always something i’d tell myself, except coming from another mouth. It really helps. Well anyways, apparently I abused my Clause 2 today. Well we made an amendment to the clause that this three week rule for me excludes holiday season - and then I realize that in my family (or at least for pops & i) we get really depressed during holiday season. Even if we are surrounded by love and care, you’ve got to admit there’s some sort of emptiness to the whole situation. And the holiday season is MY FAVORITE. Thanksgiving is my ultimate holiday, and frankly, I don’t know where i’m spending it this year =/. I don’t want to go to my aunt’s in Palo Alto cause it ends up in bitter sadness nostalgia type atmosphere, I don’t want to be with my brothers in laws cause theyre not really my family or at least i’m not particularly close with them. So I just don’t know what will be done.

Anyway. i didn’t mean for this to be that long, but, a video would have been inappropriate with the hideousness that is my face after today’s events. BUT i will make one soon. Scouts honor. Speaking of which, this weekend we should make a few vids, Steph. The singing kind. Oodles of fun.  I guess I feel a bit better now at least. Touche, puppycat.

Au Revoir.


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19 Nov

Pt 1 of 2. Decided to vid it out.

And P, nice Hoffsoap. What I wouldn’t do to get my paws under THAT. HAHAAHAHAHA *vomit

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Pt 2 of 2.

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Why, Yes! I’d love some jiz to wash my hands off. Hoff soap, that is. Props to my ever so wonderful and witty bf for this amazing website find.

Why, Yes! I’d love some jiz to wash my hands off. Hoff soap, that is. Props to my ever so wonderful and witty bf for this amazing website find.

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17 Nov

Yeah I knew about your tarot.

But just an F.Y.I.

I actually don’t give a fuck if you care. You fail to realize that that is not how I live my life. Once I love, that’s it. I could care less what YOUR stance is, I just chose to reach out, during a stoned moment.

Whatever it was is gone, just know that I reached out, and know that this is it. Im not leaving it alone, I’m deserting it. The way you are deserting me. We only live once and life isn’t promised.. I’ve learned this a long time ago. If life ended today I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving off where we were at, and that’s why I reached out. But I guess you plan ahead and assume future will come. I don’t trust that it always does, so I guess that’s on me. I know from what I know of you, that I like you in my life. But if you arent sure than that’s what it is.

So yes, it is what it is, and I’ll leave it way behind.

Goodbye K.R. You changed me and helped me see more, and be more comfortable with  who I am… “you’re gay!!!” lol. I wish things were different, but they aren’t.  I’m appreciative of the small roles we played in eachother’s life. I still have your email and wish maybe I’d responded one time, but I hope you really know the truth. Just remember me for who I AM. And remember that you stole my heart once. I cant even be a stubborn, scorned bitch on this one.. I have put aside all my pride, anger and frustration, and instead of leaving it at FUCK YOU, I will be REAL and truthful, because I know you meant something to me.  That is all.-“MAIN”.

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13 Nov

One Day I hope to greet heaven itself with a tower of hair.

Russel Brand. That funny mf.

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11 Nov

Middle of the night.

One hour phone call with Paulette mid-sleep. Late night laundry flood disaster!

Forgot it happened till 5 minutes ago. Way to go, P.

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